21 April, 2011


I don’t know what to say, but I feel the need to say it anyway. I know myself, I know, deep down, who I am. But I keep thinking about who I used to be, how less scared she was, how many more dreams she had… When did the fear start, I wonder? Before or after the first of many failures, before or after the attempts to turn around only to find the breadcrumbs gone… I’ve always been more stubborn than was good for me, but sometimes, this time, I don’t know where to dig in and stick. Because even though I want to cling to the truth, to the unshakable, unflappable me, here I am, facing down the barrel of thirty and of no-longer-young, all unsure of the details. All scared and timid and… almost hiding here in the California delta, glad I moved away from home but so so lonely and tired of new. The only time in my life when I haven’t felt lonely was in grad school but grad school was so hard and stressful I wonder if I was simply too busy to be lonely… And I suppose I still am in grad school, or at least I’m still getting the same bills and the same nightmares, but this time when I fake it it’s harder to convince myself- probably because the only person around here to fool is me… If only I could believe that I was a real academic, a real anthropologist, a real writer… but if I am really that, it remains unknown (lest I look too deep just to find out it’s only a poor acting job and unflattering desire to be better than I am.)


One Response to “bear”

  1. GAP Says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself Lea, I feel the same way most of the time too but then one morning you wake up and the world is all great and awesome.. I suppose there have to be downs for us to enjoy the ups 🙂

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