How to get vagina off the coffee table

22 October, 2009

fence post lizard

The other day Jason and I were hanging out in the living room, playing on our different laptops. Absently, he picked up the silly putty I always keep on my coffee table and constructed a small phallus. Not to be outdone in turning childrens’ playthings into sculptures of genitals, I squashed the putty penis and constructed (an uncannily accurate) vagina. I narrated while I worked in my best Bob Ross accent about the ‘happy little clitoral hoods’ and ‘peacefully lapping labias’. Jason asked me if I needed him to Google a picture for me to work from.

I told him no, my mirror was working fine.

Then I watched him struggle not to look up from his screen.

I wasn’t, actually working from a mirror. I just want to go on record now, lest you confuse my inappropriate sense of humor for my inappropriate behavior. Still, my little silly putty vagina was, as I said, remarkably accurate and life-like, even if was attached to the coffee table. I wish you could have seen it. Alas, taking pictures (let alone posting them) would surely have committed some kind of felony.

In any case, I threw a surprise party for Meghan this weekend. I invited aunt carol and kids, who spent a large portion of the evening playing with silly putty, making fake noses and masks… yep. They had the silly putty all over their faces.

And that, my friends, is a whole new level of messed up.


6 Responses to “How to get vagina off the coffee table”

  1. smoothpebble Says:

    Only a little messed up. 🙂

  2. Eli Says:

    this reminds me of another story i just typed out in length and then deleted….

  3. Mr. Apron Says:

    This post struck me with a stirring desire to

    a.) return to my childhood.

    b.) have sex.

    Don’t worry, I don’t want to do both at the same time.

    • batspit Says:


      I wouldn’t trust me around preschoolers with a pack of playdough either, but then again, on og the great thing about preschoolers is they have just about as many hang-ups about body parts as I do.

  4. Thank you for your guide!

  5. our coffee tables have a top part that is made of high strength glass, `*,

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