Pretentious Condiments

15 July, 2009

Anna Motel

To the lovely people in positions of power who asked me to house sit for them:
This is the worst job I never wanted.  I just couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough, and while I knew that disappointing a professor is never a good idea still I offered at least five reasons I didn’t think I could do it. 
You assure me that my dog will be welcome and fine and apparently you outright lied, as your horrible excuses for dogs bite and bark at her constantly, incessantly, despite the fact that she is, in fact, the best dog in the universe.
My favorite part might be that you completely neglected to tell me the tiny, idiot dog is physically unable to shut the fuck up or poop outside, but does in fact shit and piss exclusively,  three times a day, in the bathroom.  The (and I’m so completely serious here) four page, single-spaced instructions you were kind enough to leave with  250 bucks to pay for the food and care of four malcontent, degenerate pets, a 16 year old human and myself was the first time I’d heard of the dog who is smaller than the cats ‘unfortunate condition’, as well as the highly specific medicines all pets must be administered, several times a day.  It was so kind of you to offer to let me have any of the left over money towards my “‘stipend'”, and welcoming me ‘to devour any food stuffs’, but I do not care for your pretentious professor condiments and you can take this job, and fucking shove it, bitches.
Oh?  And your house?  Was renovated like shit.


7 Responses to “Pretentious Condiments”

  1. GAP Says:

    My god you poor thing!!! What the fuck is wrong with this person, if he or she can be called that! People in positions of power really know how to wield it, I’ve learned that the hard way this Summer and looks like so have you.. 😦

  2. Leasoup Says:

    That sucks! And I love this funny post 🙂

    If it makes you feel better, I have a little something yarny for you when you’ve been freed!

  3. smoothpebble Says:

    Could you let me know what the pretentious condiments are, so if I have any I can immediately throw them out!!

    • batspit Says:

      Jackie, As to the pretentious condiments- I think it’s when you have only oil packed red peppers/ artichoke hearts/ olives, bizarre and expensive grains, a coffee press that only pushes out one cup at a time, and a note saying ‘feel free to devour the foodstuffs’. I mean, I probably could have made Delicious food with some of their ingredients, but it would have required me buying more groceries— I think you’re good on the condiments, because i have a suspicion you actually have more in your pantry than ‘gourmet cashew pieces in cold pressed walnut oil’. but, i stopped sitting for them last week!! Daniel will be in Atlanta the next four days and I plan to get some letters out. hope you are well. -Lea

  4. sphyde Says:

    maaaaaaan, alive…how long did you end up sitting for them (besides the obvious one of ‘too long’?). mental note to self…if anyone ever has to house sit for me…be flippin’ honest about the conditions!!


  5. ethicshek Says:

    True words, some truthful words man. You rocked my day!

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