August

1 August, 2008

keys point road

August is always a nervous month for me, a month of sweat and beginnings, of bittersweet goodbyes and deep sighs of regret.

It’s been 18 months since I said yes. It’s been 12 months since I’ve lived with him.

Last night I dreamed I was being held by more than the blanket.

I fully expect to get an apologetic response from him because of this post, but it’s not needed. I don’t want an apology, and I don’t think it’s his fault that we’re not living together. But still, I’m fucking tired. Tired of being good, tired of wanting, tired of waiting…

Last year on this date we packed up our house into two U-Hauls and I headed to Memphis while he drove to Southern California to work on our separate programs. Mine didn’t work out so well, and I’m home again, here again, minus him.

Some things haven’t changed: this ring is still on my finger, this absence of him is still palpable, these dreams where I’m held are still devastating, this lump in my throat, this pit in my stomach, these knots in my back that scream for his hands, this hope that he will return.

I start a new masters program in a couple weeks. I ran into one of my professors at the grocery store this week and he asked if I was ready for school to start.

“Mrrraww groowtt chi” was all that could come out of my suddenly thick woolen tongue. He gave me an odd look and left the store. The checkout guy smiled sympathetically.

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One Response to “August”

  1. Maggie, dammit Says:

    oof. 😦


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