Spread

A couple weeks ago, when my period still hadn’t come and my boobs felt like they were falling out of my bra I took a pregnancy test.

Then, when the display INSTANTLY turned into a plus sign, I convinced myself I had done it wrong. It was a Saturday.

I took two more tests, with the same results.
So… I went to the doctor… and she had me pee on ANOTHER test and told me I could expect a baby around August 27th.

I’m pregnant.

My whole world has changed, and not just because I can’t fit into any bra I own.

We’ve told just about everyone, now, except my grandpa, who actively doesn’t use the internet… As if sharing the news will spread joy and lessen our fears… but it has, actually.

Consider yourself spread with a small amount of joy. and some nausea.

I know, Mom, I know.

I can’t believe she’s been gone 10 years now.

It seems like a lifetime, and yet sometimes it hurts like it happened yesterday.

I’m not too sad, considering. I’m just remembering.

I read this letter from Anne Sexton to her daughter: I understand. I may look and (even) be a functioning adult, but really, really, I still need her.

10 years is a lifetime: too many years, too many rememberings, too many times I’ve thought “I know, Mom, I know”.

shopping lists

Inspired by the above video, Eli and I made the following lists of things we need from the store:

Eli’s list for me:

1) Automatic finger-nail trimmer
2) cat-patch kit
3) instant egg- spray
4) meat-polish
5) face diapers
6) fish de-beaker
7) dog diabetes test kit
8.) grumble tube
9) butcher’s watch
10) power cheese

My list for Eli:

1) vegetable sunscreen
2) baby tape
3) reduced-guilt toilet paper
4) carrot filters
5) manatee saddle
6) quick dry coffee
7) personal eye-repair kit
8.) overnight toilet tabs
9) dance pole
10) finger sleeves

missed gifts

Have you ever bought someone candy, truly intended to give it to then, but ended up eating it yourself?

and then, as you were eating it, think, ‘oh well, I’ll just share and give him half, it will still be a nice surprise’, then keep eating past your half without realizing, then pretty much HAVE to eat the rest so he didn’t know?

no?

oh.

me either.

quit

I just gave my second ‘I quit’ speech in one week. It is completely terrifying (I don’t really understand why I am shaking, but I am) and I really hope this one takes.
In other news my fucking bird flew away and life seems to be placing one stinking pile after another right under my fucking nose.